Most people know someone who seems to make every situation virtually impossible. Pointing out to those people they are difficult and demanding won't get you anywhere though — the odds are, they don't even see a problem. Whether the issue is caused by a personality disorder or some other underlying issue, the question is how to navigate interactions with impossible people and preserve your own sanity.
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- Accept the situation 'as is'. Impossible people exist; there isn't a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: if you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right. Realize up-front you cannot "fix" impossible persons, it is neither your profession nor your obligation. The headaches you save will be your own.
- Resist the urge to be defensive. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they're called "impossible" for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what.
- Do not call out the other person. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your interaction with someone impossible. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, (s)he will likely just become more difficult. Recognize that you can't handle this like you would any other personal conflict — it's a special situation.
- In some ways, impossible people need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least not with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times or so you tried to have a civilized discussion with this person? Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. You'd better decide to quit banging your head against a brick wall then.
- Don't give them a reason. Instead, think of their outbursts in the same way you would a child's tantrum, but do it subtly (in such a way that they can't lash out at you for being "condescending" or something alike). This takes practice, but it is a skill worth developing.
- Don't disagree with them; find ways to be agreeable even if they are wrong. Agreeing with impossible people sidetracks their objective, as they continually look for arguments. This usually works because it proves rather difficult to be hostile towards an agreeable person.
Then again, according to impossible people you are wrong anyway, so, no matter how much you agree with them, you are still wrong, somehow. Hey, impossible people are called "impossible" for a reason, remember?
- Understand that it's not you, it's them. Sounds simple enough. This can be surprisingly difficult though, considering that impossible people have developed complete mastery of shifting the blame. Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault.
- Keep in mind that the latter is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well, very well. Instead, you are facing the facts, for your own sake. That being said, here's a simple way to tell: if you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people "can do no wrong."
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- When you find yourself in (the middle of) a conflict with an impossible person, the following strategy might be of help:
Detach: Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words, reacting with extreme emotions, will only stimulate them to do more of the difficult behavior.
Disassociate: Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference. Do not, under any circumstances bad talk to them or to anyone else about them because then you are sinking down to their level. Add something positive by redirection, such as by focusing on something, anything, positive in the situation or in the conversation. Whatever you do, just stay calm!
Diffuse: It can help to realize that the side of a conversation that contains the most truth will win out, and in such cases it's generally best to "name the game" that an impossible person is playing, usually by asking them a question that starts with "Why...," then repeating/rephrasing their "impossible" position which will highlight the consequence(s) of that position. In effect, you will move the conversation to a higher level, and the impossible person will respond to this "higher truth", although usually with (more) obfuscation. Nonetheless, the question has been posed, the point illuminated.
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- Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about an angry remark you made today (which you didn't even mean as such in the first place). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was platinum.
- Remember that impossible people dwell in the past instead of the present. Note also that their amazing memories about wrongdoings seems to apply where others are concerned only, which explains why being mistaken or wrong is something only other people are: impossible people "can do no wrong".
= Prepare for projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (if not all) of this behavior yourself. If 'your' impossible person gets a look at this text, to them it will look like a bio about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person's flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.
- Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of 'arguments' to 'support' this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to provide and tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.
- If you *must* engage impossible people, be a manager. Until it is over, your task in this is to manage the impossible person, so that he or she deals less damage to you.
- As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden in many cases such as this), humoring the other; go with the flow, and abandon all hope of "fixing" the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't). Recognize that you can't convince them that they have any responsibility in the first place, much less for the problems between you. They don't recognize (or if they did, wouldn't try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they don't have any flaws. You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, sure, and you will slip from time to time, no doubt, but as time goes on, you'll become a better manager.
- Consider it might be a mere question of compatibility. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you personally. Most relationships between people contain many shades of grey, and some people simply mix as well as oil and water, but when an impossible person is impossible to you only, something else might be going on.
- It is common to hear an impossible person proclaim "Everyone else gets along with me just fine". Be that as it may, for the impossible person it is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy it. It doesn't really matter how this person interacts with others. The fact here is the way the two of you interact together. Remember that blame never changes the facts.
- If for some reason you are somehow able to convince impossible people with irrefutable evidence that they (and they alone) are at fault, then there is a possibility that they will completely "crash" in the other direction, expressing the belief that if they can't be right in this one situation, then they must be wrong in all similar cases or even be 100% wrong all the time in every situation. This is a coping mechanism of theirs which attempts to encourage others around them to feel sympathy for them and build them back up.
- Remember, impossible people are never wrong. So, an impossible person 'giving in' might be a sign you are being set up. Be aware something might be sneaking up on you. Don't get cornered. Avoid one-on-ones of this type, that is, the one-on-ones designed to 'come for you'; to lure you into something.
- Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take steps to maintain a positive self-image. Make no mistake, dealing with impossible people can be quite destructive.
- Avoid picking up impossible traits. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting some or even much of the offender's own behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying. Eschew blame entirely by understanding that this is just the way the other person is. These things define the impossible person's character and actions, and nothing you do can change any part of their past.
- Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that often times, impossible people are particularly "fact-challenged". If the attacks have little basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as this person would like you, and/or others, to believe you are. Do not defend yourself therefore, there's no need, especially not 'out loud', it will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.
- Protect your privacy. Impossible people will use any information on your personal life, however small, as a trump card against you. They can spin stories about you to other people (especially those close to you both) on a simple comment you made, once. Since they are specialists in manipulation, they are also very good at making you talk. Beware.
- Impossible people are good at seeming normal, and unless you are very convinced of who you are and where you stand in relation to the slight madness of this person, there will be times where you think, "Hey, (s)he's not so bad after all. I guess I could tell him/her this or that". Big mistake! It will come back to you when you least expect it, in the most dirty and manipulative way. Things shared in confidence between the two of you can, and will, be used in an ice cold analysis in front of others in a moment where the impossible person feels the need to get on top of you. Impossible people will spare no information to prove to others how well they know you, and thus know what the best way is to "handle" you.
In Conclusion
- Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Be an example of tolerance, patience, humility, reason, kindness (as difficult as that may be at times), shower them with your humanity.
- We are all influenced by the people in our environment — they don't have to be perfect and neither do you. Give respect because you are human. If you don't receive respect, that's -sadly- their problem. Give understanding, and you get understanding. Ultimately this sort of behavior is probably the only thing that might get through to them. They may not change much, but you can expect to see some change.
- Prepare to part ways. Understand that eventually, you'll have to create a separation between yourself and an impossible person. Whether they are a friend, a family member, a parent, even a spouse or a fellow forum poster, the time to leave them behind will eventually manifest. Maintaining some sort of a relationship with an impossible person is, well, you know, impossible — literally.
- If you can't (or won't) make a departure for whatever reason, make a mental one. In your mind, you've already left the scene — the only thing to do then is 'wait' for physical reality to reflect the fact.
- If for nothing else, resolve to treat your experiences with impossible people as valuable life lessons. Realize that after dealing with them for a while, getting along with everyone else will be much easier. You are getting a free education about how to deal with the most difficult people. In a way they are doing you a service. Although it is unpleasant now, the lessons you learn are going to be valuable later on.
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Be aware that all of us exhibit some of these personality "disorders" to some degree or other. It's just a question of how you would define "normal", which is an entirely different subject, or is it?
http://www.wikihow.com/How-To-Deal-With-Impossible-People
